Esther 1:10-20 On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha and Abagtha, Zethar and Carkas, the seven eunuchs who served in the presence of King Ahasuerus, (11) to bring Queen Vashti before the king with her royal crown, in order to show the peoples and the princes her beauty, for she was lovely to look at. (12) But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s command delivered by the eunuchs. At this the king became enraged, and his anger burned within him.

(13) Then the king said to the wise men who knew the times (for this was the king’s procedure toward all who were versed in law and judgment, (14) the men next to him being Carshena, Shethar, Admatha, Tarshish, Meres, Marsena, and Memucan, the seven princes of Persia and Media, who saw the king’s face, and sat first in the kingdom): (15) “According to the law, what is to be done to Queen Vashti, because she has not performed the command of King Ahasuerus delivered by the eunuchs?”

(16) Then Memucan said in the presence of the king and the officials, “Not only against the king has Queen Vashti done wrong, but also against all the officials and all the peoples who are in all the provinces of King Ahasuerus. (17) For the queen’s behavior will be made known to all women, causing them to look at their husbands with contempt, since they will say, ‘King Ahasuerus commanded Queen Vashti to be brought before him, and she did not come.’ (18) This very day the noble women of Persia and Media who have heard of the queen’s behavior will say the same to all the king’s officials, and there will be contempt and wrath in plenty. (19) If it please the king, let a royal order go out from him, and let it be written among the laws of the Persians and the Medes so that it may not be repealed, that Vashti is never again to come before King Ahasuerus. And let the king give her royal position to another who is better than she. (20) So when the decree made by the king is proclaimed throughout all his kingdom, for it is vast, all women will give honor to their husbands, high and low alike.”

I really don’t need to write much more, do I?  Here we have the king and the big men of the kingdom a little bit panicked.  Maybe pretty well scared in fact.  The thing could get way out of hand.  The Queen could be heading up some kind of suffrage movement and that can’t be let go.  Harsh repercussions are necessary or every king of his own castle is going to be facing a rebellion when he gets home from work.  ”There will be contempt and wrath in plenty.”   We gotta show ‘em, King!  Put the hammer down on Vashti!

I would really appreciate your comments on this.  As I study the subject of  abuse and hear the stories from victims, especially victims who are Christians and have received injustice from their pastors and churches, I am seeing more clearly that whether we like it or not, we in the conservative, Bible-believing churches have to admit that we have shown partiality to men.  After all, we are men.  That is what Scripture says, and we need to obey God’s Word – men are to be pastors and elders.  But pastors and elders also need to remember that they are men.  When a woman comes in to tell us her tale of woe, how do we see her?  I am afraid that we see her as a woman – and by that I mean, as…. I’m not sure how to describe it.  As someone who is not our equal?

And if we have this kind of attitude, are we not pretty well guaranteed to be infected to some degree by the same attitude that the King and his officials were?  I think it was Elizabeth who wrote to me recently who said that she thinks pastors and churches are not giving creedance to abuse victims because they are afraid that if they do, there will be repercussions for them and the other men in the church with their own wives.

I, Anna, believe that men can be the leaders, both in their homes and in the churches, while still treating women with respect, while still listening to them, only when they first love God as they ought to. Male headship isn’t a trophy to be waved about but, rather, a trust to be honored. It is a trust that starts and ends with honoring, obeying and glorifying Jesus. When men commit their lives to Him–through continued self-examination and repentance–then they will be enabled by Him to treat others–including women–the way He would treat them. If you have any doubts as to what that might mean, then head on over to the Gospels. You will find that Jesus was gracious in His treatment of women. Period. Men in the church would do well to emulate Him. 

What do you think?  Is it true?  Are we guilty of this?  I think we know the answer – maybe we just haven’t realized it yet?

The first guy this lady connected with was a real loser.  Maybe not a full-blown psychopath, but a guy who had been through numerous marriages.  Oh, yes – and he was a Christian.  He was, I tell you.  He told her.  He loved Jesus.  Eventually he came over and they ended up in bed together.  She ‘fessed up, to her credit, in our small abuse victim support/therapy group.  We worked through it, got her disconnected from him, and all was well….. we thought.

About the same time she went a cruisin’ in the Christian world of Christian chat where everyone, of course, is a Christian and they all tell how they love Jesus and they quote Scripture and….    Enter Walter.  For some months, Walter and our friend chatted.  She was absolutely convinced that Walter is a godly man.  Why, Walter even had her call his pastor, which our friend did.  His pastor (a she) said Walter was a wonderful Christian man.  Last week our friend ‘fessed up to the group once again.  Walter had been telling her he is a computer expert and that he had been monitoring her chat activities with others and he wanted to know what she was talking to them about.  Oh, and Walter was making preparations to come on down and see her.  He had bought rings.  RINGS!!  How does that line go in Lord of the Rings?  The one to bind them all!

Whoa!  the group members screamed!  You are connected with a predatory psychopath.  What in the %^&$# do you think you are doing (symbols for Christian exclamations).  She wasn’t having any of our objections, so we turned up the heat.  ”How many of you think our friend here is messing up big time?” I asked.  All hands shot up in the air.  It took us quite a bit more time to get her attention. She promised she would disconnect Walter.  She gave me his email.  I emailed him and in as tactful of the language of psychopathy, I gave him the Dear John letter.  Today I received two threatening emails from him.  He has been leaving messages on her phone every 5 minutes, threatening her that if she does not call him he is going to email compromising photos of her to her church and to her place of employment.  She had Skyped him and he claims he took her picture.  Don’t know if that’s true.

I sent her to the police.  Not much they can do.  Now she has endangered herself, me, my wife, our whole church.  Our only hope is that Walter is all full of it.  He may be – apparently marriage hasn’t worked for him (his wife was a real witch, he says so) – and he lives with his mommy.   I think the RCMP will be showing up at his house soon to have a little chat with Walter.

If I sound sarcastic its because I’m mad.  Mad at wicked men like Walter who cruise the internet like a shark looking for easy prey, which abuse victims are.  And mad at my friend for being so, so, well, you know.  I intend to stay mad at Walter.  I won’t stay mad at my friend  unless she does it again.   Then we’re done.  I won’t let even my friends endanger my family or my church.  She says she has learned her lesson.

I hope you have too.

“All personalities and personal involvement set aside, I have a growing concern that a man who can convince himself that black is white and white is black should have the position of leadership and esteem that he has, in the country.  What can Fundamentalism and Fundamentalists do? For one thing, we can start standing up for what right and opposing what is wrong, even – or especially – in our own movement. Perhaps we should forget the liberal Presbyterians and the compromising Convention Baptists for a season and concentrate on setting our own house in order.   We desperately need men of God who are willing to take a stand, no matter what it costs. Beloved brethren, we do not have one man in our midst….  so valuable to our Fundamentalist movement that his sin should be covered. As one of the preachers I interviewed said to me, “This is directly the problem. We have not had men who have been willing to stand on an issue.” Sadly, he spoke the truth. Myriad are the men who face every issue on the basis, “How will it affect me?” rather than, “What is right?”   (see http://www.biblicalevangelist.org/jack_hyles_chapter3.php )

Isn’t that right?  Is this not the real reason sin such as abuse is tolerated in our churches?  Because we are more concerned with how it will affect US, rather than with what God says is RIGHT?  The former approach throws the lambs (abuse victims) to the slaughter.  The latter stands alongside her and suffers reproach with her.

One of the most common stories I hear from Christians who are abuse victims/survivors is the injustice they receive at the hands of their churches.  And one of the typical ingredients in this injustice is the abuser’s success in winning the sympathy and alliance of the pastor and church members, turning them against the victim, who is then most often the one who must leave her church.  Here is this fine fellow who admits to certain “shortcomings” in his performance as husband and father.  But he is sorry for it all and he is doing everything he can to restore and preserve his marriage and family.  But she simply won’t listen.  She is unforgiving and bitter.  She refuses to forgive and reconcile.  And when she separates from him, she is the guilty one.

Still another common chapter in the stories these women tell is the refusal of their churches to effect church discipline upon the abuser.  Some victims have pleaded with their church leaders to do this.  They report, after years of secrecy, all the horrid evils Mr. Saintly church member has been committing against her and the children.  But nothing is done.  After some initial lip service and patronizing sympathies are expressed, nothing is done.  Then some more “nothing” is done.  Nothing.

I would like us to consider for a moment why the typical reaction is to do nothing. Why is it that so often the victim is branded the guilty party while the abuser remains in the pew Sunday after Sunday?  I suggest an answer to you.  It is because we have been taught to believe that a person can look like a wolf, kill other sheep like a wolf, and yet be a sheep of Christ’s flock.  In other words, we dismiss the abuser’s evils because we assume he is a Christian.  He isn’t a wolf — he is a sheep with certain “wolfishness” still tarrying in his flesh and we must help him conquer it.  This of course takes great patience and understanding.  It requires us forgiving him as Christ has forgiven us.  And we tell the victim, while she is still getting torn up by this sheep with fangs, that she needs to be longsuffering and loving toward him too.  If she doesn’t, well, she isn’t much of a Christian.

I can tell what a wolf looks like.  I’ve seen them out in the woods. When I do, I don’t say, “Look!  There’s a deer!”  Wolves, even in disguise, betray their real character by their actions.  But we have been taught to ignore those things.  So when we see a wolf ripping the guts out of a lamb, we say “Oh my, that sheep has some real anger issues to conquer.  Let us love him through his turmoil and help him.”

It is well past time for Christians and pastors and church leaders to STOP treating wolves like troubled sheep.  An abuser is NOT a Christian.  Never has been.  Probably never will be.  If you doubt that, review the basic elements of the abusive mentality – Entitlement, Power, Control, and Justification.  Now, please explain how a person with that fundamental mindset, a mindset that defines the essence of who he is – please explain how that person can be a follower of Jesus Christ?  How he can actually have denied himself, taken up his cross, considered others more important than himself, and set out in Christ’s footprints?  How can such a person wear the fundamental badge of a disciple of Jesus Christ – “that you love one another”?  (John 13:34-35).  The thing is simply not possible.  The abuser is lying.  He is not a Christian.  He is a wolf.  And we really, really need to stop treating him like a troubled sheep.

I was recently reading a history of a terribly abusive man who was a pastor of a very large fundamental church for decades.  He was exalted and virtually worshiped by his followers.  His entire persona was that of a sociopath.  How he loved his power and control!  And he used it on women in the church.  He destroyed at least one marriage.  He was exposed eventually, with headlines of his sexual escapades appearing in the local newspapers of a major city.  Finally, another pastor had the courage to take this guy on and announce from the rooftops what was happening.  But the man was never removed from his pulpit.  He played the victim quite successfully and the majority believed him.

Now, what I find particularly amazing is that even the courageous pastor who sounded the alarm, still left the door open to the possibility that this sociopathic abuser could be a genuine Christian.  He cited the example of King David, a man after God’s own heart, who nevertheless committed murder and adultery.  I do not disagree with the fact that a Christian still has his sinful flesh (Romans 6) and can sin grievously as David did.  BUT, if he is a true Christian, genuinely converted and in Christ, he will most certainly come to true repentance just as David did.  Herein is the difference between the soiled sheep and the wolf.  Abusers among us do not repent.  They always have their excuses, their blaming, their “I’m sorry, so you must forgive me now” attitudes.  And then they go right out and do it again.  This, King David did not do.  There is simply no way that a pastor who displayed all the sociopathic, conscienceless, and unchanged behavior marks that this wolf in the pulpit did, can be considered to be a Christian.  We should treat such men only as as wolves.  And that is precisely what our Lord has told us to do.

Being a victim of abuse does not make a person right with God.  Most of the abuse victims I have contact with are Christians because they find our abuse sermon series on Sermon Audio, a Christian website.  But not all victims are Christians.  In my years as a police officer, most of them I met were not right with God in Christ.  I remember one woman, about 35 years old, at a domestic disturbance call I received.  She was drunk, crying – just a mess.  She told me as soon as I arrived (and in the presence of her abusive partner) that he was threatening to sodomize her if she didn’t obey him.  It was a typical scenario.  She looked like the source of the problem.  He had it all together, was calm, well-dressed, reasonable.  Of course the reason she was a mess was because of him!

This woman was a victim.  She was oppressed and suffering.  She was not a Christian, but I think that the Lord still takes sides in situations like hers.  He hates abusive people no matter who their target is.

Nevertheless, we must remember that if anyone, including a victim, is going to be put into a right relationship with God, they must hear about and believe in His Son.  They must confess with their mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in their heart God raised Him from the dead (Romans 10:9-10).  In fact, it turns out that Christ is their true Redeemer and Rescuer.  All of us were abused and oppressed by Satan the moment we entered with world, and it is only Christ who destroyed the works of the devil and sets us free (Hebrews 2:14).

So we must not stop short when we help victims.  As we show them the love of Christ in action by helping them get free of abuse, we also need to “preach Jesus” to them.  Often, abuse victims are a fertile mission field.  It has been a sorely neglected mission field, even though “the fields are white for harvest” (John 4).  Imagine telling the history of God’s deliverance of Israel from oppressive slavery and abuse in Egypt.  We can tell them of the Passover Lamb and how Christ is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.  Just as they need a temporal exodus from their abuser, so they need an eternal deliverance from sin and Satan.  And I think that in some ways, abuse victims may well understand all of these in ways that perhaps other people cannot.  A woman who has had to stand firm against her tormentor and be courageous for her children is possibly a person who grasps more clearly what confessing Christ in this fallen world will cost.

So when we give victims “bread,” let’s remember to give them the Bread of Life too.

I have often heard Christian counselors bad-mouth theology/Bible doctrine.  They will talk about “Oh, those theologian types!  They are so out of touch!”   Yes, many theologians are out of touch.  Some do get all caught up in minutia that really doesn’t matter in the end.  But what I want to remind everyone of in this article is that theology is the most important anchor for any human being, and in some ways especially for the abuse victim.  Theology.  Words or rational statements about Theos – about God. And when we speak of theology, we mean the theology of the Bible.  True truth about God, about man, about how God has set out in Christ to redeem us from the mess we made through our sin.

The theology of the typical evangelical church of our day is botched.  I mean, we are out to lunch!  We are so set upon making people happy that we have ditched what makes God “happy” (ie, what glorifies Him).  We create our own traditions, stamp them with our “Certified Biblical” marks, then spread them all around like a virus.  These traditions distort Scripture, they distort the real character of God, and inevitably they make us look better than we really are.  We are teaching our own traditions about forgiveness, reconciliation, sin, mercy, love, divorce and presenting them as the Word of God; just about any Bible doctrine has at least one widely-held tradition latched onto it like a parasite.

In this environment of bad theology (ie, “lies” -also known as – “damnable heresies” by our less delicate ancestors like the Puritans), sin thrives among us.  Sinners thrive.  And that means, abusers thrive – right in the church, sitting there next to us in the pew.  There he is.  That lying, wicked, power-control hungry, entitled abuser who oppresses his victim cruelly.  He’s got the stamp on himself – “Certified Christian.”  How did he get it?

He got that stamp because we aren’t reading and believing God’s Word.  This emissary of darkness parades as a child of light because we can’t or won’t listen to God, believe Him, and obey Him.  Turns out that the thing is a no-brainer,

1 John 2:3-4, And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. (4) Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him,

1 John 2:9-11, Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. (10) Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. (11) But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.

What is it about “if…then” that is hard to understand?  But our muddled theology has abuse victims and all of us, really, bumbling around in a fog.  We’ve got the blind leading the blind.  ”Well, yeah, Jack there, turns out he beats the snot out of his wife when he drinks too much.”  ”And Fred, yes, Fred shouldn’t talk to his wife as he does.  Telling her she’s a tramp and all that.” –  ”But Jack and Fred are Christian men and we need to understand them.  They have some pretty rough backgrounds.  Jesus wants us to love them and if we love them enough, I mean, if we work up a big ‘ol giant ball of love, maybe, just maybe, these boys will come ’round in their thinking.”   I think that the Lord would have another name for that big ‘ol ball of …..

Bad theology grows a forest for wicked men to hide in.  We’ve been growing such a forest for decades now.  It’s time for a really big forest fire to remove all this dead wood.  Maybe then truth will sprout.  It happened before.   Guys like Luther and Calvin were the arsonists.  The fire was called the Reformation.  We need another one.  Really, really, badly.

That last phrase pretty well characterizes the abuser.  He is a liar.  He lies.  We do not exaggerate much at all when we say of him, “there is no truth in him.”  This is why, I believe, abuse victims live in a fog of confusion.  They live with a lie.  As Carla van Dam notes in chapter 8 of her book The Socially Skilled Child Molester, “Child molesters lie.  They lie to themselves, and they lie to others.  They lie even when they know their audience has direct access to the truth.  They lie with blatant ease, such good effect, and are so accustomed to having their lies accepted, that they lose track of the truth.”  This is also a very apt description of the domestic violence abuser.  He lies.  All the time.  Lying is his habit and falsehood is his medium of choice.

If we are going to get out of that cursed fog of deception that abusers cast, we have to come to grips with this – he is a liar.  Though he speaks with such certainty and confidence when he accuses us, he is lying.  When he describes to his victim how stupidly she acted last Thanksgiving, he is lying.  When he goes to his pastor or fellow church members and tells them that his wife is unstable and difficult, he is lying.

To face up to this, we need to be tough.  Really tough.  Unbending and willing to be targeted and accused for being “unkind and unloving.”  ”But he said he is sorry!”  He’s lying.  ”He told us he has tried and tried to love his wife but she just won’t accept him.”  He’s lying.  ”But he says he is a Christian.”  He’s lying.  This is the only right approach when you are dealing with children of the devil whose father is the very origin of lies.  Jesus did this when the Tempter came to Him in the wilderness.  Satan would talk and quote Scripture.  Jesus countered with truth.  Essentially, He was saying “you are a liar” each time.

When the abuser speaks to his victim, she needs to confidently and firmly hold on to the truth – he is lying.  ”You are an unfit mother.”  He’s lying.  ”You always shoot my ideas down.”  He’s lying.  These are all accusations launched with the intent to destroy and control, and they are lies.

Just imagine.  You are living with a person whose whole life is a lie.  Whose words are habitually and normally lies.  Even their actions are lies, laden with false motives.  He expends huge amounts of energy through threats and deceptions to maintain this facade.  Darkness hates light.  The lie hates truth.  So it is in this very environment that abuse victims live.  Day after day after day.  Is it any wonder that they are confused, that they doubt their own perceptions, that they shoulder loads of false guilt and shame, that they feel like they are going crazy?

The path to recovery from this confusion begins with this realization:  ”He is lying.  He is a liar. Everything he has been telling me all these years has been a lie.  Everything.”  When pastors and churches wake up to the same understanding, the victims in their midst will start receiving justice instead of the shameful treatment they typically receive now.  We need to be Nehemiahs -

Nehemiah 6:8-9, Then I sent to him, saying, “No such things as you say have been done, for you are inventing them out of your own mind.” (9) For they all wanted to frighten us, thinking, “Their hands will drop from the work, and it will not be done.” But now, O God, strengthen my hands.

Getting deep down inside ourselves when life is painful isn’t easy. It’s even harder to open the broken parts of ourselves up to others. Sometimes we need to do it, though. This is one of those times.

I know pain. I know the pain of being rejected by my father–who denied I was his though there was no doubt that I was. The pain of living with his drunken outrages–outrages that had me on very strong “nerve medicine” by the time I was 18 months old; medicine that was designed to help me with the “blanking out” and “walking into walls” I was later told I had been doing. Medicine also designed to calm me down when I’d get hysterical at hearing his car pull into our driveway each evening. Medicine I had to stay on my entire childhood.

I know the fear that comes when you leave all and run in the middle of the night in an attempt to outrun the man who wants to kill your Mama and take you–even though he has no true love for you. The uncertainty and disquiet that comes from uprooting over and over and over during the very young years of your life. The utter relief and the broken heart that vie for emotional space when you hear your abuser has died.

The very confusing pain of living with an increasingly depressed and overwhelmed mother who eventually starts taking her pain and fears out on you. The caustic words that eat at your soul. The terror at the thought of setting her off. The struggles to please a Mother who absolutely refused to be pleased. Verbal abuse that eventually bled over into other kinds of abuse. Pain that went on and on and on, increasing throughout the years. Pain that didn’t stop when she finally passed.

The loneliness, confusion and pain far too deep for words that comes with an abusive marriage. The struggles to come to grips with the abuse and, finally, to confess to yourself that abuse has occurred. The never-ending ache that comes from watching your children hurt. The fear of confiding the abuse to others who just might throw it back in your face.

The near-despair that comes from watching some of your own precious children go down the wrong road in a vain effort to right the many wrongs heaped on them. The drowning kind of sorrow that accompanies their rebellion, the deep heart brokenness that accompanies the cruelty of their words and accusations.

The emotional firestorm that erupts from hearing words of censure from supposed Christians who have no clue what you are enduring, don’t give a whit for you but still feel the need to condemn and vilify because “somebody said”. Or simply because you and your family don’t fit their ideals.

I know it all and more.

If I stopped here, thought about it all long enough, and wallowed in the pain, I’d be nearly as bad as those who did the abusing. I could do that. I’ve known those who have. Usually they end up pouring their pain out on the next generation. And on it goes. Endlessly.

I could stop and wallow except for one thing: God’s grace won’t let me. It’s not that I’m better than those who do. It’s that God’s in control.

It took me a long, long time to trust Him enough to even begin to understand that He is a good God, He is in control, He does a plan…even through all the pain.

That’s what I want you, my readers, to know. God is in charge. Moreover, He is good. He’s not like your abuser. He won’t lie, break or wound you. He isn’t like the preachers who preach one thing from the pulpit but live quite another way everywhere else. He’s not like the “good Christian folks” who refuse to listen, refuse to try to understand but love to gossip and condemn. God doesn’t lie. He doesn’t abuse, misuse or demand things we aren’t capable of performing.

God is a good God.

God is a very good God.

It bears repeating. Over and over and over. God is a wonderfully good God Who can be trusted–even if you have never known, or have rarely known, people worthy of your trust. Once you know really Him, you will find Him far, far easier to trust than any person.

Go to the pages of Scripture. Read how Jesus related to those wounded, broken ones He met along the way. Observe how tender He was, how kind. Go to the pages of the Old Testament and read about God’s provision for His people. Look up the story of the Red Sea: I love that story. I’ve lived that story, had my own Red Sea story, many, many times. Each time God came through. Each time He delivered. Each time He proved Himself worthy of my trust.

The really great thing in all of this is that none of it depends on me. God doesn’t accept me because I’m good or because I’ve achieved something. Abuse victims are just like everyone else in this: we’re all sinners worthy of hell. Enduring abuse here doesn’t give anyone a free pass to Heaven. The reason God accepts me is because He, through the blood of His Son, Jesus, has saved me from Himself.

God saved me from God: from His wrath, from His condemnation, from His justice. From the Hell I so deserved. He can do it for you, too.

I am of the Reformed faith and I firmly believe God is in control. In all ways. In everything. I also know from the pages of Scripture that, when we come to Him in true repentance, confessing our sins and asking His forgiveness, He never turns us away. He’s a really great God. A good God. A loving God.

A loving God: that’s everything to those of us who have rarely known human love. Because He’s a loving God, a good God, we can know for certain that He will take us in when we come to Him in our brokenness and pain. And He will never let us go.

All abusers share certain similar attitudes.  They all crave power and control and have a huge sense of personal entitlement.  I think that they are all sociopaths, or close to it – lacking a conscience.  They all use very similar tactics.  But I am wondering if some of them choose to operate on victims in other places besides the domestic setting – or perhaps in addition to it?  Primarily, I am thinking of the church.  The local church is the arena in which I have met most of the abusers I have known.  And while I suppose they had their victims at home (they are very good at hiding this), they also find victims at church.  (Others might find a victim in the workplace.  Do some reading about bullying and mobbing in the workplace to learn more about this).

Books have been written about spiritual abuse  in the local church but this is a field I have not read much about.  I know that abusers and unrepentant, grossly sinful people whom we have had to discipline in our church over the years would accuse us of being guilty of spiritual abuse.  But I think that a person experienced with the nature of abuse – its mentality and methods – would be able to sort those false charges out.  What we are talking about here is usually someone in leadership in a church who uses his position to gain power and control over others.  Isn’t the treatment that most domestic violence victims receive from their church leaders as example of that spiritual abuse?  ”Look here now, sweetcheeks – you need to submit to what we are saying or else.”

Here is a pretty good scriptural example, in addition to the one in 3 John about Diotrephes -

2 Corinthians 11:19-20 For you gladly bear with fools, being wise yourselves! (20) For you bear it if someone makes slaves of you, or devours you, or takes advantage of you, or puts on airs, or strikes you in the face.

I must say that churches who are teaching and enforcing the “Permanence View” of marriage and divorce and remarriage are guilty of spiritual abuse.  Yes, I charge them with it.  They teach that there is NEVER a reason for divorce.  And if a person divorces, then they cannot remarry until their ex spouse is dead.  No divorce.  Not for the most wicked abuse.  Not for adultery.  Never.  And I know of one church – an evangelical, Bible type church – in Missouri that enforces that position with church discipline if it is breached.  Run, I say!  Run for your lives!!  And never look back.

Here is still another encounter between a woman and Jesus.  You have these all through the Gospels, and they are very good therapy for abuse victims.  Here is a human being.  She is a woman.  A Samaritan woman.  A husband-less woman who had been through five husbands and was now on a sixth, though apparently not married.  The way some of those cultures handled divorce back then, she may not have been some kind of loose woman.  I don’t know for sure.  But those five husbands could have dumped her.  David Instone-Brewer tells us a lot about marriage and divorce back then in his books.

But what we do know is that here we have a woman who has been deeply shamed.  Despised by Jews.  A woman.  A woman with no husband.  Just some guy hanging with her.  And a formula like that adds up to one big ugly pile of shame.

I haven’t studied shame very much yet.  I’m just beginning.  But I know enough now to see that it is wicked stuff.  We aren’t talking about the good kind of shame that a person with a conscience feels when they do wrong.  No, this kind of shame – toxic shame – is concerned with our very identity as a person.  Our sense of worth.  Shame is a voice constantly telling a person that she is worthless.  Good-for-nothing.  Unwanted.  Lucky to have any man at all.  Shame degrades.  Shame isolates.  Shame makes a person – let’s say a woman in this case – go on a constant quest for love, but even if she finds it, her shame will never let her receive it.

We are shamed in many ways – but primarily by other people, and by our own thoughts.  Parents shame their children.  People in authority like teachers and pastors shame us sometimes.  And you all know it - abusers shame their victim.  A shamed victim who sees no worth in herself, who just cannot grasp how anyone would want to have a relationship with her – now there is a person who is much easier for the abuser to control.  Shame is the abuser’s diabolical friend.

How do abusers shame victims?  How do they not!  They shame with every word, every look, every action.  They shame by withholding money.  They shame by mocking her interests, by ridiculing the meal she made, by demeaning her friends until she has none.  They shame by joking about how her body looks, or how pathetic she is in bed.  They shame her by not talking to her for days. They shame her with all kinds of perverted sexual demands.  And they have her.  In her shame, she cannot even begin to grasp where else she would go.  Often, even her own family has been won over by the abuser until they too are ashamed of her.  Even more sad is the fact that her whole church family can be turned against her by the abuser’s scheming methods.

Well, IT’S ALL A LIE!  The whole thing.  And a huge part of a victim’s recovery is coming to grips with her shame.  Understanding it, seeing what it has done to her, and being set free of it.  For starters, I would very highly recommend Steven Tracy’s book Mending the Soul, AND the accompanying workbook.   Do the work!  Also, get David Needham’s book Birthright: Christian, Do You Know Who You Are?  Sandra Wilson’s book, Released From Shame is also great.

The woman at the well.  What happened to her that day?  Her life was transformed because she met the One who sat and talked to her.  The whole meeting was no accident – did you know that?  The Son of God HAD to stop at that well, at that moment, when there came a woman of Samaria to get water.  That’s what happens to us when Christ sets out to seek and save all whom the Father has given Him.  He stopped at “the place” and looked up in the tree – there was Zaccheaus.  ”Come down, Zacchaeus!  Today I must come to your house.”  The whole thing was a divine setup.  Here then, at that well, Jesus came and He gave this horribly shamed woman - living water.  Man! She got a bucketful like she never imagined.  HER THIRST WAS ENDED BECAUSE HER SIN AND SHAME WERE DEALT WITH.  The Spirit of Christ came, just as He does to all believers – and she didn’t thirst again.  Which means she could quit trying to deal with her shame in ways that would only leave her worse off.

Are you a victim of abuse?  Then you have been shamed.  Go to the Well.  Meet Christ as never before, and plead with Him to quench your thirst.  Get those books I recommended and work in them.  Work hard and prayerfully.  Read and re-read John 4 and put your name in place of the Samaritan woman.  As you are set free of shame, as you come to understand that if you belong to Christ then there is no need to be ashamed (He isn’t ashamed of you!), you are going to find that the abuser’s tactics just don’t seem to pack the punch they used to.   He will have been stripped of one of his biggest weapons.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.