What God taught me through my endurance – by Anna
This post is by Anna, one of our readers (a different lady from Anna Wood who was involved in this blog in the early stages).
So I know that we aren’t to blame the victim. I have spent years thinking I caused husband’s frustrations and the resulting outburst of abuse that accompanied his wrath and I read many of the How to be a Good Christian Wife books and tried very hard to do all the authors said so that we could be happy. Maybe those work for normals, but not for us… But I don’t regret having read them. Don’t shake me or try to find me so you can give me a talking to. Hear me out.
I learned stuff from all this, stuff I’m glad to have learned. I remember when I was reading “You Can be the Wife of a Happy Husband” and God convicted me that I was only reading that because I wanted to be happy. I didn’t care if husband was happy. I just wanted him to shut up with the ranting already so I could have peace. But I put on this fake piety and prayed for husband to have peace. That was a selfish prayer. I didn’t care if he had peace. He could be in inner turmoil for all I cared as long as he gave me what I wanted so I could have peace.
And there was plenty more selfishness from me. I never learned to confront him because I wasn’t interested in his soul. I wanted my peace. When I FINALLY heard what the Bible says about the wicked and I FINALLY admitted to myself that husband was really caught up in wickedness, not “struggles,” but a love for sin, I was terrified for him. There is some pretty horrible stuff in store for those who love wickedness. And husband does love wickedness. So, it was when I heard what the Word has to say and I let it demolish the ridiculous notion that because my husband loves certain worship songs and claims to be a Christian, he is one, when I really let that sink in, I was concerned enough to throw a hand grenade into what appeared from the outside to be a comfortable life with no where to go but up, way up.
I do love him. I did all this (exposed him, left him, filed for divorce) because I love him. I’m not mad at him. I have to keep my distance for my safety, for my health, but I want good for him. I want him to KNOW God, to be the exception, the one who can and does change. I finally want all that because it’ll be good for him, not me. And I wanted that before Wendell posted – he didn’t fan the false hope flame for me. I am another who could hardly read his posts…I have lost the delusion that it’s my job to love husband (what he thinks is love anyway) so much and for so long that he sees Christ in my eggshell walking and apologies for things I didn’t do and my cowering in fear and pretending he’s not looking at porn and he falls on his knees to worship God and thank Him for his wonderful wife. EYEROLL!
I have surrendered husband to God. That was difficult. I worried that my filing for divorce would take away husband’s hope and motivation to seek help. Husband told me that I gave him hope when I fill in the blank. If his hope is in me, we’re doomed. I should’ve put that on my mirror years ago.
If you are reading this young wife, and you are still stuck in an abusive relationship, and you are wondering if you should stay and placate because a book tells you to submit harder so God can get through to your husband, I would like to offer this to you: Be willing to look outside of marriage books that put the weight on you and tell you to stick your head … in the sand, and put your hope for your husband’s freedom in Christ, not you. If you’ve been thinking that you have to submit harder so God can get through to your husband, I suggest that you pray about it and seek God to hear what He would have you do. It might not be in that how-to-be-a wife book you’re holding. Pray and listen. God will show you what to do. And He’ll help you do it. Comment here or on one of the forums linked on the sidebar and tell someone what’s happened. Let the Church help you out of the fog.