Abuser Tactics: But He Looks so Harmless
Well, here is Tobasco the kitty, a member of our family. Doesn’t he look cuddly and cute? Last night he was curled up just like this on my wife’s lap, purring away in contentment. And then she did something Tobasco didn’t like. She moved her hand and disturbed his repose. So he fanged her. Sunk his teeth right in, then as far as she could interpret cat expressions, he smiled at her. I think he got launched out the front door.
Anyway, this is a really good illustration that will resonate with many of our readers. Abusers, like Tobasco, look harmless and sweet and cuddly at times. No one would believe us if we told them about the dark side. Listen to him purrrrrr! But make a wrong move and out come the fangs. Then the smile. ”What? What are you so upset about?”
Abusers make their victims crazy, and they do it intentionally. One of their favorite ways to do this is to practice a discord between their actions and their words. Let me use an example from the realm of sexual abuse to explain this discord. A sexual molester will do things, such as exposing himself, while talking as if nothing unusual is happening. Here he is, exposing to a victim, and yet he might be conversing with them on some “normal” topic with verbal behavior that is totally disconnected from his exposing behavior. This messes with the mind. It makes crazy. It destroys the victim’s trust in their own ability to interpret things through their own senses.
And thus the wisdom of our Lord’s words to us:
Matthew 7:16-20 You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? (17) So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. (18) A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. (19) Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. (20) Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.
- Posted in: Abusers
- Tagged: abuser's tactics, false guilt, Jeff Crippen, language of abusers
“It destroys the victim’s trust in their own ability to interpret things through their own senses.”
So, this makes me think that perhaps this is why I don’t trust myself to make the right decision in whether to leave or stay, but remain separate. It is as if I cannot move, unless God Himself were to come down and speak directly to me, “Go!” or “Stay!”. I do not trust that I will make the right decision and not just for me, but mostly for my children. Perhaps it will help me to know why I may be feeling or acting this way. Thanks for the insight!
Anonymous, I know that’s how it was like for me too. It took a while, but as time went on and as I recovered my freedom, I was able to confidently make decisions that were truly my own. For a while there, I really didn’t trust my ability to make good decisions, including the one to go or stay. I, too, was waiting for God to give me a clear word.
As you gain insight and reclaim your mind, along with your ability to make judgements and decisions, you will feel a great sense of relief and freedom. We were created to be free and those whom the Son sets free, are free indeed.
Jeff, this just brought back a memory of when a guy exposed himself to me while I was sitting under a tree on my own in a park, reading a book and minding my own business. While he was exposing and touching himself, he was talking to me in a normal conversational tone about something everyday (can’t remember whether it was the weather, or my book, or the landscape… something totally unrelated to his lascivious action. UUGH. I’d always remembered his exposing act, but not his speech. But you captured it exactly, and brought back the memory. And yes, I was disgusted, frightened and repelled by his actions, but at the same time, my brain was turning itself into a pretzel trying to figure out what his words had to do with anything. …. deliberate, wicked, crazy-making confusion.
Yes, that is it exactly. In your example the abuser was sexual. But I suspect there must be a name for the broader category of abuse that uses this contradictory/simultaneous dissonance between actions and verbal expression. A child might be sitting in front of the TV playing video games and his mother tells him to go do his homework. He replies, “I am doing my homework.” “No you aren’t.” “Yes, mother, I am!” Or an abuser might tell his wife “Oh, I am so sorry for not picking up your medicine.” But then he never gets her medicine. The whole dissonance is designed to confuse the victim and to make the perpetrator look like the one who really sees things accurately. I can imagine Sandusky at Penn State for instance getting caught in the shower raping a young student. Caught in the act and yet saying “Oh, no. That wasn’t what was happening at all. Hey, did you pick up that football equipment I told you to get?”
Yes, it is called GASLIGHTING. See link: http://psych-your-mind.blogspot.com/2012/04/call-me-crazy-subtle-power-of.html. I know all about this, not because of my profession originally, but because of living in it for 33 years.
I think it would also be called the Original Lie of the serpent in the Garden. “No, that’s not what He meant…” It’s the worst, most satanic lie…calling what one knows to be the truth, the actual Truth into question.
Thanks Pippa. I was going to say the term that comes to mind is “cognitive dissonance” but to me it’s not satisfactory because it just convey the effect on the victim, and misses the deliberative intent of the selfish/abusive person.
But gaslighting is perfect, because it points to the scheming intent of the abuser. Thanks for the link, I’ll check it out.
Thanks Pippa. I think we have to consider you to have a PhD in this area after 33 years of it! Wow!
I watched the 1944 movie Gaslight and realized that was one of my abuser’s favorite weapons + he is trained in psychological warfare. The full movie has been deleted but there’s a clip here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKcDeEcti70
Blessings everyone.
Thanks, Dru. That movie is worth another watch. So glad that you have come to the point of seeing what was happening to you.