The Unique Nature of Sexual Intimacy Makes its Abuse Uniquely Destructive
1 Corinthians 6:15-18 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! (16) Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” (17) But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. (18) Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
As we have seen in the comments to other articles in this blog that address the issue of sexual abuse perpetrated upon the abuse victim by her “husband,” (see Do you tell others about the sexual abuse?) one of the most damaging forms of abuse is that of sexual abuse. Ironically, this is one of the abuser’s tactics that is least talked about. He can carry out atrocious acts of rape and sodomy, yet do so while enjoying a cloak of secrecy and darkness.
The Apostle Paul’s statement to the Corinthians provides us with some insight into why sexual abuse is a particularly powerful tool for evil. Indeed, these words tell us why so many abusers choose this form of weaponry. Notice that Paul zeroes in here on the “one-flesh” aspect of sexual intimacy. We know this from way back in Genesis: and the two shall become one flesh. Here, Paul says that the same one-fleshness happens even when God’s design for human sexuality is abused: he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her. As a result, just as there is remarkable blessing in our sexuality when it is practiced within the pattern God has ordained (one man, one woman who have covenanted to one another for life), so that same powerful blessing, if distorted, turns into a terrible curse. Thus, sexual sin has a unique aspect for destruction. The one who violates it sins against his own body. Like fire, sexuality has tremendous power to bless, or to consume.
And I think that the abuser knows this. He recognizes the power of sexuality. He understands that here is something that he can take, twist, pervert, and use it to especially damage another human being. In his sexuality, he can perhaps even use an kind of ultimate weapon to bond his victim to himself, thus providing him with the power and control which is the real object of his lust. From the victim’s standpoint, this same sexual attack comes with an “intimacy” of evil that infects her body, mind, and soul in a way that perhaps no other kind of abuse can.
I would also suggest that Paul’s final instruction here sheds real light upon the necessity of separating from the abuser: “Flee from sexual immorality.” Why? Because it is sin, and it is a particularly destructive sin. Paul, of course, was instructing the Corinthians to cease from sinning sexually themselves. I am not implying here that a victim of sexual abuse is sinning. That guilt lies solely with the abuser. However, it would seem very proper that we also apply this instruction to flee sexual immorality to the victim of sexual abuse. Run! Leave! The thing is terribly damaging to you. It bonds you to your abuser in a uniquely destructive way. (I’m thinking here of the old vampire movies where the victim always becomes the slave of Dracula once she is bitten. Nowadays vampires are being exalted as good guys who have been misunderstood. But then that’s another story). But my point is that if Christ would have us flee in particular from sexual immorality because it is so powerful and damaging, surely would He not also mean this instruction to victims as well?
And thus, in this light, we shudder at any notion of telling an abuse victim, and especially a victim of sexual abuse, that the Lord requires her to return to her Dracula and let him keep sucking the life out of her. “Who knows,” she is often told, “you might just one day lead the old Count to salvation in Christ!” Yeah, right.
Related post: Sexual abuse in marriage – what should a Christian wife do?
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- Posted in: Abusers
- Tagged: abuser's tactics, Corinthians, dangerous views on abuse, evil, Genesis, getting free, Jeff Crippen, mind control, obedience to Christ, protecting victims, sexual abuse, submission
Well said, Jeff. I agree. No one has the ‘right’ to so abuse another and no one has the ‘duty’ to submit to such abuse. There is indeed a soul issue here that must be addressed.
Thanks Larry. Telling someone (in Christ’s name) that they are required to remain in a situation that Christ actually tells them to flee from is a shamefully common pastoral error and it is time we all get it right.
Reblogged this on Speakingtruthinlove's Blog.
Some try to cover this one over by saying ‘the marriage bed is undefiled’ and anything goes. But anyone who’s lived this kind of lie understands just how much sexual immorality one person can bring to the marriage bed.
Never saw this particular scripture in this light, but your post rings with truth.
Thanks, Jeff.
Question. How does it bond you to your abuser in an uniquely destructive way? What are the signs of that, or what does that damage look like? I, most likely for one, would be interested in knowing what those damages look like, in order to learn or understand some more things about the dynamics of this type of abuse. Thanks.
Dear Anonymous, I think we all need to explore that question together, and I hope many more people offer their answers to it, but my first thought was that Jeff’s words are a good place to start: “an ‘intimacy’ of evil that infects her body, mind, and soul.”
There can be body memories of sexual abuse – memories held in the viscera, muscles and tissues that in a way that is deeper than mere ‘mental’ remembrance. When something happens that triggers (re-awakens) the memory, the survivor can re-live the physical and emotional experience of when she was being sexually abused, almost as if it is happening in the present moment. Like it’s in full 3-D. It can be pretty overwhelming, when this happens, and some of the work of recovery can be around learning how to manage oneself so that one can touch into the memories (for the purpose of processing, healing, and integration) without being so overwhelmingly flooded that one is simply re-traumatised without any progress towards healing. A good counselor can help the survivor learn to navigate that journey.
But what about the “intimacy of evil”? For myself, the night when I was sexually abused I was aware at the time that the abuser had an incredibly strong feeling of malice towards me, and was intent on doing what they were about to do to me for the purposes of ‘screwing me up for life’, so to speak. And this goal would have been achieved, had not God brought me into His kingdom and over many years gradually healed me of all the damage that was done that night. When I say “the abuser” I am referring to a human being, but my spirit tells me that an evil spirit was impelling that human person, and the intense malice emanated from that evil spirit.
Sexual abuse means that we receive damage INSIDE our bodies, in places where there are an abundance of nerve endings. That’s the physiological reality. Our bodies and psyches are deeply intertwined, especially when it comes to the realm of sexuality. The recent discoveries in neuropsychology about neuronal mirroring in interpersonal relationships give another way of understanding this too.
Not sure what neuronal mirroring is?
If a man is watching a ball game on the TV – maybe a game of cricket where the ball is a about the size of a fist – and the bowler bowls a fast ball which hits the batter smack in his groin, the fellow watching telly will involuntarily gasp and clutch his groin in sympathy, even though he wasn’t hit. Why? because of neuronal mirroring, which is an aspect of empathy.
I think that when a woman is sexually abused by a nasty man, not only is her body assaulted and her personal integrity deeply violated, her brain involuntarily senses and mirrors the assailant’s spiritual mindset. And this is beyond her ability to prevent or control, because neuronal mirroring is just part of the way we are constructed. Some people have this innate capacity for mirroring more than others. Sociopaths don’t seem to have it much at all, which goes with them not having empathy for others.
Hey, I’m not a neuropsychologist; I’ve only read about this stuff and listened to a few interviews with scientists who are at the cutting edge of neuropsychology. So I’m open to correction on this.
Is this what people refer to when they talk about soul ties? These ties are very hard to break, and maybe the perpetrators somehow know that once they possess you in that way, they have formed something that will keep you bonded to them.
I know the term ‘soul ties’ is bandied around a lot, but I’m not sure it is well defined. Maybe it’s a grab-bag term for lots of different phenomena, and therefore not a very helpful term.
For instance, if a person is burdened by a load of false guilt for being “harsh” or “unforgiving” to someone who had gravely mistreated her, a prayer counselor might label that as a ‘soul tie’ – but a relationship counselor who had a good grasp of Christian doctrine would help the victim to drop her load of false guilt and, lo and behold, the supposed ‘soul tie’ is gone! I wouldn’t call that soul tie, I would say it was false guilt induced by sub-biblical teaching about how to deal with sinners, and what forgiveness is and is not.
Or take another scenario: a single woman falls in love with a man but within a few months it becomes clear that for a range of reasons they are not really suited to each other. With tears and some angst on both sides, they mutually agree to end the relationship. But the woman had been so deeply affected when she fell in love with him that she can’t ‘let him go’ from her heart. She can, with an effort of will and a good dose of common courtesy, refrain from trying to pester him into renewing the relationship, but she can’t drop the dream, that private place in her heart still glows only for him. Is that a soul tie? Or is it just the sense of unrequited love, left hanging? I know this woman (it was me) was stuck there for about 18 months, until one day, after talking it over with her best friend, and deciding that she’d pray for God to Deal With It in whatever way He saw fit, the feeling left her almost instantaneously a few days later, never to return. She was set free, like God had cut the tie. But was it a ‘soul tie’ to that man’s soul? Or was it just a longing in her own heart, that God so wondrously relieved her of?
Whatever ‘soul ties’ are, if they exist and are not just a term that is bandied around without any definition, I would never tell people they are “very hard to break”. To say that bespeaks gloom: it can be like a sentence of despair to someone who has come through a bad relationship, or a victim of sexual abuse. I would say that if soul ties exist, they can be easily and promptly resolved and dissolved by good counsel and God’s intervention. It’s only a matter of finding the right key (or keys) that can open the door.
So, going back to what Jeff wrote about how sexual abuse “bonds you to an abuser in a uniquely destructive way”, and the commenter who asked about that bonding – maybe the word ‘imprinting‘ would be better than ‘bonding’. Imprinting connotes the idea of neuronal mirroring, without connoting any idea of a glued-together-unbreakable-bond. After all, God is in the business of setting captives free and breaking the chains of darkness, is He not? He is able to heal all the damage that was done to our souls, our brains, our viscera, our emotions… He restores my soul.
Thanks, Barb. I was waiting for someone to give that sort of answer. I just feel like the odd one out when I argue along the same lines, in particular when you are among Christians who tend to swallow the latest trend and propagate them authoritatively and with great zeal. It seems like rational answers get thrown out of the window because they don’t sound spiritual (read unscrutinizable) enough.
LOL. I’m with you, Anon !
She said, “We need to talk.” He said, “Sex first, then we can talk.”
She said, “I need you to be my friend.” He said, “I can’t be your friend until after the sex. This is how I perceive love.” She said, “That’s the cart before the horse, you can’t have sex, the culmination of a mutual loving relationship until the friendship is there.”
He said, “Sex first.”
She said, “I feel like God has asked me, time and again, to stick my hand into a hole in a wall and behind the wall waits a man to stab at my hand with a knife, and you are that man. I have come time and again, stuck my hand in the wall and been stabbed every time. There will come a day when my heart will not be able to put my hand in that hole again.”
He said, “Sorry, but I have to have sex first in order to feel like you are my friend.”
This was our conversation in 2007. Two months after this, and repeatedly for months afterward, he screamed, “I want a divorce!” The last time he did, I said, “You got it.”
Yes, sodomy and rape (because I refused the sodomy), this kind of abuse is the most demoralizing that a woman could ever have to suffer, but that wasn’t what put the fear in my heart. Every night I was afraid to die in the bed beside him, because I knew what “liberties” he would take with my dead body before calling for help…one last fling before it goes in the ground, sort of thing. But I couldn’t put my finger on just where that fear came from…I thought I was losing it.
Then he confessed to sexually assaulting me when I was under general anesthesia after gall bladder surgery. I think my subconscious recorded the event, even though I wasn’t awake. And the “unreasonable” fear set in.
Yes, I, too, was told to go back, be more submitted so he would be nicer to me. This has just about killed me, spiritually and physically.
But God…enough said–well, almost. God informed me that He would not allow my faith to fail and that He would remove my husband from me to a place where I could not “fix it.” And He has, and He is. OH…how I LOVE JESUS!!!
Laurie, my heart goes out to you. And yes, isn’t Jesus wonderful?