The Abuser’s Evil Demands for Secrecy – by Jeff Crippen and Anna Wood
One of the common tactics that abusers use on their victims – ESPECIALLY if the abuser is wearing a “Christian” mask – is to pervert God’s Word to deceive and control his victim. Two of the most common of these distortions of Scripture are:
1. ”If you ever talk to anyone about what goes on in this house, you will be sorry! God hates gossip and slander and He requires you to obey and respect your husband.”
2. ”I know that I am not perfect, but sometimes you just push me too far. Besides, I am trying and I am making good progress. I am changing. You need to forgive me no matter how many times I blow it. God says we are to forgive each other 70 times 7 and that we are to love even our enemies. Surely that means you need to love and forgive your own husband!”
Let’s address the first distortion in this article, the second is addressed in “The Abuser’s Evil Demands for Forgiveness”). The charge that the abuse victim is guilty of gossip and slander against her abuser if she ever tells anyone what he is doing is very common, especially in a Christian environment. I personally have had THIS wicked tactic played on me more than once by guilty, controlling, abusive men and women who desire to operate in secret. I don’t play their secrecy games anymore. I’m on to them!
Gossip and slander are sins because they violate the second table of God’s Law which is summarized by “love your neighbor as yourself.” These sins of the tongue are motivated by an evil heart whose goal is to injure the reputation of another person. Gossip and slander can consist of TRUE or FALSE reports about someone. In the case of a TRUE report, the evil stems from a heart’s desire to present that report in a harmful, hurtful manner. The heart’s motives are the real issue here. Gossip and slander always proceed from a motive to cause harm to the victim or to exalt the slanderer in some way.
In contrast however, announcing from the rooftops what the abuser is doing to his victims is not gossip or slander. It is motivated by a desire for justice – a hungering and thirsting for righteousness. It is the exposure of things done in darkness by the application of the light of Jesus Christ. It is telling the truth where lies and deception have existed. THIS IS NOT SIN! It is right in every way!
Let me prove this. Consider the following Scripture (which is proving to be one of my very favorites lately) -
2 Timothy 4:14-15 ”Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds. (15) Beware of him yourself, for he strongly opposed our message.”
Now, think very carefully about what the Apostle Paul is doing here. He is writing to Timothy, announcing to Timothy what Alexander has done. Paul even warns Timothy to beware of Alexander himself. Are we going to say that Paul is guilty of gossip and slander against Alexander? Hardly! What Paul is doing here is RIGHT! Notice that Paul does is not motivated by a desire for PERSONAL revenge, but he does DESIRE justice and he leaves it to the Lord to effect that justice. (And remember that these New Testament letters were intended to be read to the churches! Timothy was not the only one then who read Paul’s warning about Alexander – can’t you hear Alexander screaming that this is gossip and slander against him?)
We could give countless other examples from Scripture of the very same thing – of the righteous telling other people about the wicked evils of abusive men. Have you ever considered how often the Bible names names? Just a few verses earlier -
2 Timothy 4:10a ”For Demas, in love with this present world, has deserted me and gone to Thessalonica.”
Is that a terrible, slanderous thing to say about Demas? No! And again -
1 Timothy 1:19b-20 ”By rejecting this, some have made shipwreck of their faith, (20) among whom are Hymenaeus and Alexander, whom I have handed over to Satan that they may learn not to blaspheme.”
Zing! Two more guys publicly exposed!
And consider the matter of church discipline. What happens when a person refuses to repent after being confronted with his sin by witnesses? The thing is told to the church! He is put out of the church. Is that gossip or slander? Obviously not. It is righteousness.
Let me make this statement so we get hold of it very, very firmly -
“If Christians and pastors and local churches have been guilty of anything in regard to the evil of abuse in our midst, it is most surely NOT the sin of gossip and slander about the abuser. Quite the opposite. We have been guilty of covering for him, often yielding to his deceptive distortions of Scripture by which he lures us into believing that announcing his sin would be sin on our part. This has been a powerful and favorite deception of the abuser, and we must reject it.”
Therefore, to victims of abuse, I say TELL! Tell someone. BUT be wise and be careful in doing so in order that your safety is not compromised. You are NOT guilty of gossip or slander or disrespect toward your abuser. TELL about the awful things he has done to you. As you do so, and as you read and learn more about the nature and tactics of abuse, you will be set free from his deceptive spell.
Thank you, Jeff. You have made this so incredibly clear. It is funny how ‘spiritual” the abuser gets when he is accusing his spouse of not being “Christian”!
Another great post, Jeff and Anna!
I’m curious: you wrote: “I personally have had THIS wicked tactic played on me more than once by guilty, controlling, abusive men and women who desire to operate in secret.”
Is Jeff saying that, or Anna? If it’s Jeff, I’m wanting to know a bit more.
Can you give any more details about those experiences you’ve referred to? We victim survivors are familiar with “Demand for Secrecy” tactic when it’s used to try to stifle our complaints about our partner’s abuse. But I’m interested to know how the scenario works when the “Demand for Secrecy” tactic is done to a pastor in his leadership position. I’m trying to picture it, but I’m finding it a little difficult.
Barbara – Good question. I will try to explain how it happened to me. Matthew 18, or rather, a perversion of it, is the favorite proof text of this kind of abusive tactic. This is of course the process of church discipline, which begins with the offended party going personally to the offender. Abusers in a church environment like to use this to prevent the one they accuse as having offended them from telling anyone else about the abuser’s accusations. They will often come “in private” to share “concerns” and then launch into their mindgames and accusations. They invent their own facts, and utilize typical abusive tactics. Then, if the accused tells anyone else, they are doubly guilty because they have gossiped and slandered after the abuser came in “confidence” just as Scripture “says.”
I have observed abusive people enforce a code of silence on their families. They tell their victims that to ever talk to anyone about “what goes on in this house” is sinful gossip and slander. Openness is a threat to abusers, and also in ways to their victims (because of fear). So they work, through their influence in the church, to enforce that same code of silence upon everyone, and they particularly punish – through accusations of gossip – anyone who comes too close to revealing them. This translates into a false and unbiblical thinking about exposing evil in the church. Anyone who speaks out about it is deemed guilty of what is supposed to be God’s truth about loving one another by not gossiping about them. In contrast, the truth of Scripture is quite clear – we are not to be respecters of persons, but we are to fear the Lord alone. The Apostle Paul, and even Jesus Himself, along with the other Apostles and the Old Testament prophets ALL named names and they did it openly. Alexander the coppersmith did Paul much harm. Timothy is to beware of him. That’s naming names. The Apostle John announced that when he came, he would deal with Diotrephes who was wickedly abusing the people in his church. Jesus publicly denounced the scribes and Pharisees. John wrote, in his letters to the 7 churches of Asia, about people in some of those churches that needed to be put out. Those letters were read publicly in the church and EVERYONE knew exactly who John was talking about!
Obviously, abusive people don’t like this at all. And one of their tactics to squelch it is to make accusations of gossip and slander. I have fallen for it more than once, and I have even (this was really STUPID) apologized to such people on occassion, falling victim to the false guilt and blame they so convincingly lay on us.
That’s interesting Jeff. So you were ‘approached privately’ by an abuser who subtly criticised you or undermined you, but when you told another person about the conversation (even your fellow elders) the abuser lambasted you for breaking confidence.
This is interesting: the abuser loves to use step one of Matthew 18 to drop his verbal faeces into your lap, but as soon as you try to use step two or step three against HIM for having dropped faeces on you, he will screech “You gossip monger!”
Not being in leadership, my experience has been more like this: I’ve had a problem with church leader(s) and have spoken to them privately as per step one of Matthew 18. They reject my concerns and (after my patient and persistent attempts to get them to address it have failed) our ways part, since I can’t stay under that untrustworthy leadership. Then I go to a new church and, in trying to explain to the new pastor what led me to leave the previous church, I tell the truth. Then I’m accused of not having followed step one of Matthew 18 with my previous leaders.
Reflecting on your comments Jeff, I’m thinking that the entire church needs a thorough-going teaching about how to utilise the four steps of Matthew 18:15-17 while simultaneously keeping mindful of the “name names” principles (for which Alexander the coppersmith and Diotrephes are prime examples).
We are so naive about all this. Rarely do we see any Christian who models it correctly.
When should we go for the jugular (name the Diotrephes), and when should we just follow the steps of Matthew 18?
Is naming the Diotrephes forbidden if we’ve only done step 1 of Matthew 18?
Is it forbidden if we’ve done steps 1 and 2, but not step 3?
Are there times when we can just ignore Matthew 18 and simply name the Diotrephes right up front, before wasting any more time or allowing him (Diotrephes) to run rings around us with his weasel words? If so, what are those times?
Are church leaders the only ones who are allowed to name Diotrephes, or can others do so?
I could go on an on. It’s such an unexplored field of teaching.
And most of the teaching I’ve read about Matthew 18 and church discipline is written by pastors and leaders. Very little is written by or for the ordinary believers in the church. One dilemma that is rarely addressed is: What does the ordinary believer do if he or she has tried to follow Matthew 18 but been ignored or stymied by church leadership?
Thank you, Barbara. Yes, the church is in a mess in these matters. This confusion goes far in enabling the abuser who is hiding behind a Christian facade. I will post a new blog article on this so the readers can easily see it.